Humor
Everyone likes a joke and a joker. To lighten things up a bit this page will contain a collection of humorous stories and memories I’ve captured along the way.
PUNS
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-cheek is really a form of floor
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Dijon vu the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray she thought she’d dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and show you A flat minor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison a small medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine made a spectacle of himself.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the of defeat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one xpects you to run anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Lastly, … Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Russell Beland, Springfield
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Sabourin, Silver Spring
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Ashley,Washington
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown
He was as tall as a six inch tree.
Chevy Chase
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Silver Spring
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr. Pepper can.
Madison,AL
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
Syracuse NY
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara
The red brick wall was the color of a brick Crayola crayon
Unknown
fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River.
Broadus. Charlottesville
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Sandra Hull, Arlington
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of “Jeopardy!”
Sorensen, Herndon
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
Pannullo, Kensington
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1 beer night.
Bonnie Speary Devore,Gaithersburg
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine something.
Kammer, Herndon
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter‘
from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
Barbara Collier, Garrett
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before
it throws up.
Susan Reese, Arlington
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
Marian Carlsson, Lexington
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
Syracuse
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Unknown
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Broadus, Charlottesville
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, were a garbage truck backing up.
Susan Reese, Arlington
She was as easy as the “TV Guide” crossword.
Gaithersburg
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Jonathan Garrett
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
Sue Lin Chong, Washington
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
Broadus, Charlottesville
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
Sue Lin Chong, Washington
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Smith,Woodbridge
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph, Washington
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax